Why Grandpa Shuts Down (And Why His Kids Ignore Him)

I want to talk about something I see pretty regularly in clinical work... and it's something that doesn't get nearly enough attention.

There's a man... maybe he's fifty, maybe he's a grandfather... and he genuinely cannot understand why his children keep pulling away. From where he's standing, they're being disrespectful. They're the problem.

But when I sit with him, what I get curious about isn't what's happening on the surface. The tense relationships, the unanswered calls... that's the explicit story. And the explicit story is just the beginning.

What I want to know is why.Why does heshut downthe second someone brings up something difficult? Why does he get reactive before the conversation even has a chance to go anywhere?

Because he didn't start shutting down when he became a father. That shutdown started somewhere much earlier. There's a part of him that learned, a long time ago, that staying open meant getting ignored, or disrespected, or left alone. And that part is still running the show.

So when his kids reach for him now... even with love... that same old protection kicks in. Not because he doesn't care. Because the part of him that shuts down never got the healing it needed.

It's not his children's job to work around that. It's the therapeutic work to go underneath the floorboards... to find where the shutdown began, offer the right kind of healing to that part, and help him actually process whatever is sitting there. The anger that needs expression. The fear that needs to be met. The sadness that's been waiting.

So that over time... he doesn't have to turn away anymore.

That's the difference between working with what's explicit and working with what's implicit. One rearranges the story. The other actually changes it.

If this is something you want to diver deeper into with your own clinical work, I’m hosting a workshop that will help you start undoing those trauma stuck points.

I'd love to have you with us.

Warmly,

Esther