Why your kindness makes them worse

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Jan 21

Written By Esther Goldstein

There's a specific moment in therapy that hurts more than almost any other.

It isn't when the client is angry. It isn't when they're crying.

It's when you offer them something good... a genuine compliment, a moment of deep empathy, a solid resource...

….and they deflect it.

It bounces right off them.

It's like trying to feed a starving person a five-course meal, and they just stare at the plate and say, "I can't."

You pour your energy into them. You try to "resource" them. You try to help them feel safe.

But they remain empty.

And you go home feeling drained, because you just spent an hour pouring water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom.

This isn't them being "difficult." And it isn't you doing a bad job.

This is biological.

It's called the Nourishment Barrier.

In the cycle of healing, "Action" isn't enough. The client has to actually be able to receive the result of that action. They have to be able to "eat" the good experience and let it metabolize in their nervous system.

But for many of your clients... "good" feels dangerous.

The Dependent/Endearing client will cling to you and ask for help... but they have a "hole in the bucket." No matter how much you give, it drains out instantly, and they're back to being helpless 5 minutes later.
The Self-Reliant client views your help as a threat to their independence. If they take in your nourishment, they admit they need you... which feels like death to their nervous system.

If you don't know how to spot this barrier, you'll burn yourself out trying to "love" them into healing. You'll keep pouring... and they'll keep starving.

You have to lower the drawbridge first.

In my workshop next week, we're going to go deep into the Nourishment Barrier.

I'm going to show you why it happens (somatic transference) and exactly how to help the client take down the wall so they can finally receive the help you're giving them.

Stop pouring into a leaking bucket.

Come learn how to plug the hole.

Working with Treatment Barriers Character Strategies (Live Workshop with my Private Cohort)

You'll be joining my high-level coaching clients (who paid $6,500 to be in this room) as we tackle these exact barriers.

Grab your guest pass here:

LINK: Working with Treatment Barriers And Character Strategies with Advanced Somatic Skills

Let's make sure your hard work actually lands.

Esther

P.S. We're also going to cover the Completion Barrier. This is the client who does the work... makes the change... but can't feel the Satisfaction. They never get to say "I did it." They just move immediately to the next crisis. We'll fix that loop, too.