When Confidence Lives in Your Mind But Not Your Body

A therapist once said something to me that I've never forgotten.
"I don't know why I keep apologizing."

She apologized when she asked a difficult question.
She apologized before offering an interpretation.
She apologized when she challenged a client.
She apologized for running over time.
She apologized for ending on time.
She apologized for taking up space.

Here's what struck me.
If you had asked her, "Do you believe you're allowed to be here?"
She would have said, "Of course."

If you had asked her, "Do you believe you're a competent therapist?"
She would have said, "Absolutely."

And she meant it.

So why was her body apologizing for something her mind had already decided? Because our nervous systems don't organize around what we know.
They organize around what we've lived.

The apology wasn't a confidence problem.

It wasn't an imposter syndrome problem.
It wasn't a communication problem.

It was organization.
Somewhere along the way...her nervous system learned that visibility came with a cost.

That taking up space wasn't entirely safe.
That having an impact might threaten connection.

So every time she stepped into her authority...her body quietly tried to soften it.
Not because she lacked wisdom. Because her nervous system was protecting her.

The beautiful part? We didn't work on confidence.

We didn't practice stronger wording.
We didn't rehearse scripts.
We worked with the somatic organization underneath the apology.

And as that shifted...the apologies disappeared.

Not because she remembered to stop saying "sorry."
Because there was no longer anything inside of her that believed she needed to make herself smaller.

That's what I've become most interested in. Not changing behavior.
Understanding the organization that created the behavior in the first place.

Because once you see that...you stop trying to fix symptoms.
You start changing lives.

Esther

P.S. If you've already watched the replay...

Go back to the section beginning around 1:02:15, where I talk about the therapist as the instrument.

There's a line in there that has stayed with me ever since: "Mastery isn't another certification. It's an ongoing refinement."

I think you'll hear that section differently now that you've sat with these emails for a few days.

And if you haven't watched the replay yet...I think this is one of the sections that explains why I teach the way I do.

Didn't yet watch it? Watch the replay here.