Why Your Clients Aren’t Holding The Boundaries They Set

setting-boundaries-for-clients

The real reason your clients aren’t holding the boundaries you’re working on?


They don’t feel them in their bodies yet.

You can help them write the perfect sentence…
You can roleplay it 5 different ways…
You can even teach the scripts, the somatic tools, the parts work…

But if the felt sense isn’t on board—
The boundary won’t hold.

Because boundary work isn’t just a skill.
It’s a body-based shift in self-worth, fear, and relational safety.
And most of our clients need more than good language.

They need time.
Safety.
And a therapist who can help them feel their “no” from the inside out.

Take Mara.
She was smart, verbal, and clear about what she “should” say.

“I told myself I wouldn’t cancel last-minute again.”
“I said I wasn’t going to answer his text.”
“I even wrote it in a note to myself: ‘I don’t have to explain myself.’”

But her body wasn’t ready.
It still associated boundaries with danger, rupture, loss.
So even when she said the boundary with her mouth—
Her nervous system collapsed in guilt, shame, and confusion.

That’s what we’re often missing as clinicians.

We’re asking clients to set boundaries before their bodies believe they’re allowed to. 

The truth about boundaries in trauma work:

  • Boundaries are not just statements.
    They are somatic experiences that must feel safe enough to embody.

  • Clients often “agree” to boundaries…
    but if their procedural memory is wired for collapse, fawn, or freeze—
    they won’t feel strong enough to hold them.

  • And if we haven’t done our own work around boundaries,
    we may either over-function, under-enforce, or subtly reenact their rupture cycles.

Try this instead:

Slow the work downLet the client feel into the yes/no in their body before strategizing what to say.

 Normalize the fear. Many clients equate boundaries with loss, disconnection, punishment, or guilt.
Their inner parts need space to process first. 

Model what you teachHold your own clinical boundaries with warmth, clarity, and consistency.

Clients feel the safety before they know it cognitively.

“The boundary is not the wall—it’s the space where connection can become honest.”
— Prentis Hemphill


I've got a FREE Somatic VIDEO to help your clients build boundaries from the inside out.

 Watch it here!

It walks you through how to develop a body-aligned boundary script your clients can actually hold.

—Because we want our clients to feel their no, not just say it.

Warmly,
Esther

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